It used to be that when I was upset or sad, I would turn to food to calm me. I would hide from the problem and eat, and bury my issues with food. I was a binge eater.
It used to be that as I dealt with a problem, I would turn to food for reward. I deserved to eat because it buried my feelings of anxiety while trying to rectify the situation.
It used to be that when the problem, issue, or emotion passed, I would turn to food for celebration. I was happy and ate to bury down the event so that I could move forward.
It used to be that when I was bored or anxious, I would turn to food to entertain me. I ate for pleasure, and I ate to bury doing nothing and being afraid to be more.
It used to be that when I was tired, I ate to keep myself going. I ate because my body was so dependent on the large intake that it needed more.
It used to be that I ate to eat, instead of feeling, doing, being, crying, laughing, sleeping, or resolving. And I was burying myself in rolls to expedite an early death, and to push life down and away.
Still, there is no food in Heaven; no afterlife with buffets. Angel wings don’t come in a ‘one size fits all’, and no, the mirrors aren’t more slimming up there.
Abuse of food will kill as readily as abuse from nicotine, alcohol or illicit drugs will kill.
Abuse of body, instead of dealing with emotional issues will kill regardless of the way we choose to self-medicate.
Abuse of mind will kill, because we are programming our brains to run a faulty routine which will crash the system.
Before embarking on any weight loss plan, address the internal issues that cause self-medication, whether it is with food or other substances, because they don’t go away simply because we look so good in a pair of jeans that Brangelina is jealous. Even when thin, your boss still wears a bad toupee that fell in the punchbowl at the last company picnic. Your mailman still delivers your mail to the neighbor down the street, and your son still put a frog down his pants at recess.
Being thin doesn’t ensure happiness. It doesn’t necessarily reward you in other areas of your life.
But being healthy, truly healthy in mind, spirit and body, is more than starving, or eating, drowning or swimming. It is embracing every facet of yourself, perfect or imperfect, and working through the tough times in order to appreciate the great times.
You’re worth that self discovery and that very worthwhile journey.
It used to be that I never knew the self discovery would be what kept me from repeating the same mistakes time and again. I will no longer bury myself in rolls of fat or plates of food. I give myself permission to be human, and know that when in doubt, the reward is in the achieving and the doing, and not necessarily because I deserve it, but because I can work with whatever life gives me to work with.