Darn Dr Atkins and his Stinky Diet
I was starving on Saturday. I mean hongry. I’m talking about starvin’ Marvin. Horse-eating, stomach-growling, hugging the Cheetos display hungry.
After making it through a shopping trip at the local Sooperdoopers and only asking my husband if he wasn’t sure he needed snack cakes (I wanted to sniff his Ding Dongs when we got home), he treated me to a linner (or dunch) at Wendy’s. I rode home inhaling my Wendy’s Baconator the entire time. I always order the Caesar salad as the side, and I sipped my (hide your eyes 2big) Diet Coke to keep the stomach rumblies at bay.
I ran in the door, plunked down that bag, pulled out my oopsie hamburger buns and had a Baconator in my fists faster than you can say Bob’s your father’s affinal avunculocal relation.
I was finished eating not 3 minutes later.
Due to stomach shrinkage from Atkins and its self-limiting nature, I could only get through 1/2 of the darned burger! I could barely get through half of the salad as it were.
I used to be able to plow through a Gourmet Red Robin burger with oopsies in about 10 minutes. Now I’m a burger lightweight. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I gave the other half to my husband, who ate the delicious meaty square of patty happiness like a football player downs his first Gatorade after the half.
At least one of us enjoyed the second half.
No TOPS for you!
I received a call this morning, and, due to the white fluffy stuff, my weight loss group was canceled today. Booo! Fie on you, evil flakes of dandruff from the gods!
Still, I understand that it’s hard for a lot of folk to get out in the snow and travel to a meeting.
Lucille said, “You got a reprieve this week!”
I said, “Aw man! I’ve worked hard this week and wanted to weigh in.”
How sad is that? The fat girl WANTS to weigh in! There was silence on the other end of the phone. I have a feeling that they’re not much used to hearing disappointment at not having to face the scale.
Lucille told me– as a proper leader should– that just because there is no meeting, I didn’t have a license to over eat.
le existential sigh
Ex-squeeze me? Overeat?
“Oh. No worries there, my friend! I can’t even make it through a Wendy’s Baconator in one sitting anymore!” and then the little voice in my head reminded me that high-carb eaters are fat-phobic.
Silence on the other end of the phone.
No crashes of serving plates. I’m good.
“Remember, next week we’re discussing vitamins, so bring in whatever it is you take.”
“All of the bottles?” I looked at the bin of healthy goodness that sat full of hope at being ingested in the cabinet, in their myriad plastic bottles.
“We’ll see you next week then bye.” Click. And Lucille was gone, just like that.
Packers! How could use lose to the Giants?
Admittedly, I slept through the game.
I think this is really why they lost.
Admittedly, a bit of a slow-down after the rousing induction numbers, but I’m experiencing some water weight retention.
Don’t cringe, male readers. Women deal with this stuff. It’s part of what makes us so feminine in our wiles. *scratching a stretch mark*
I’m down two more pounds this week.