Friday, where to stuff those candies, and voting for the evil who brings you stuff

Friday! Yeah!
*pumping fist the air*

Just Say NO to superfluous chocolatey bits of Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is next week, so practice the art of saying “Thank You” now, since someone will probably hand you cupcakes and chocolate. When they’re not looking, toss it into the ficus plant.
If you have the opportunity, give your treats away to a neighbor.
It never hurts to schmooze a neighbor. They might be even nicer to you. Remember the last time you were locked out of the house naked, and Sally Lou helped you get through the window? Well there you go. That deserves some well-gifted chocolates.
You could even include a note with it.
“Dear Sally, You’ve helped me with important stuff
(Like the time I was trapped outside there in the buff)
If it wasn’t for you getting me out of the chill
There are bits of me that would be frozen stiff still.”

Speaking of favors for friends…
We just finished with Super Tuesday here in Colorado, and a lot of folks just finished voting in other elections, too. This brings me to voting for elections locally.
Chances are, you didn’t have any idea who you were voting for in the last election. Someone named Macy Gray. Or she sings or something. No matter who has thrown their hat into the venerable ring, it’s hard to get excited about someone you’ve never heard of before the last two months. I don’t see yard signs that say things like, “Vote for me: I rock HARD.” High school mentality? I’m talking ads that speak to me, man.
This is why voting for the person you know is usually a safe bet. There are other perks most citizens never consider when they write their friend’s name in for an office.
You couldn’t spell T.J Houshmanzadeh. While he is an oh-so-worthy deserver of your vote, your friend’s name fits on the line, especially since all you had at the time was a Spider-Man crayon.

Your friend doesn’t cheat at ping pong. Think about it.

Your friend invites you over to his house and lets you win at board games. Like all of the time. Even before you voted for him. That’s the kind of service that goes above and beyond.

The last time “Bike to Work” day rolled around, he let you ride in the side car. Even when the goat heads popped every tire on his vintage Schwinn, he never stopped pedaling.
Your friend is humbled by your gesture beyond words. Never forget this. When you write your friend in as a candidate, this works for you.
Your friend always borrowed your stuff. Now he borrows your stuff and returns it. It’s what any elected official would do.
Your friend lends you their stuff. And because they’re supposed to behave better than usual constituency folks when elected, they’re less likely to whimper when you accidentally wreck their pocket fisherman.
Your friend’s wife cooks some savory dishes. When she decides you’re the kind of folks who put that much stock in her husband, she brings you pie.
You can now use your support of your friend to your advantage when:
Needing cash. Now you can ask your friend for money, because you were ready to break open your wallet to help stock his election coffers, even if you were only planning to stamp ping pong balls with his slogan and then were going to use them in the break room. And even when the stamp looked coincidentally like Barbie and said, “Dream Big!”
Needing a favor: Now, when your friend does something you don’t approve of, you can say, “And to think I voted for you.” This is especially helpful when your friend takes your parking spot. Guilt works. Use it to your advantage.
Needing them to buy your stuff: Now when your child has to sell something really overpriced for a school fund raiser, you can send them to your friend. No human being with a heart still beating in his chest can say no to a four year old who says, “Would you buy some popcorn from me, future councilman Todd?”
All in all, there are no drawbacks to voting for your friend, whether it is for a local office, a federal court judge position, or for the local water district. Rest easy, knowing that no matter who takes the votes on Super Tuesday, you’re assured the win.
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Comments

  1. gcarradine says:

    Cleo, you are wonderfully witty, wise, literate, sincere, enthusiastic, pretty, creative, sharing, and (did I mention?) funny as hell. I love reading your posts– will you marry me? Oh wait, dammit; I’m already married, and so are you! Will you be my Valentine, at least, then? :D

  2. cleochatra says:

    LOL!

    You owe me a keyboard, man.

    Wait.

    Are you my neighbor?

    It is you, isn’t it?!

    No, I won’t pay for the whole fence repair. It’s not my fault your dog Cujo ate the fence.

    Incidentally, that wasn’t my son standing on the deck in his underwear the other day.

    I thought we should make that clear.

    Finally, the next time your basketball goal falls on my driveway, I’m going to lift it up, lay underneath it, close my eyes, and sprawl out with a “Mike the Hammer” legal ad from the yellow pages gripped in my fist. I might even splat ketchup around for effect.

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