Happy Easter for a Slimmer Keister

(Pictured: My son, the model. Yes, this is an…er… integral part of the home schooling process…)

Aside from my obvious reversion to being, like, 8, Easter is a difficult holiday for those folks who either like corn syrups, corn syrup solids, chocolate with their con syrups or corn syrup solids, or who likes Peeps (nobody knows what the heck those are).

Easter is filled with colorful confections which promise to melt in your mouth while your hips become cottage cheesy, and your teeth promise to rot out in an equal-to-Halloween sugar orgy of flavor-injected chemicals fit into forms and molds for annual consumption.

Don’t fall prey to the little, plastic Easter baskets and the fake purple grass. The basket and the grass are less fattening, but you wouldn’t eat those, would you? Never mind. I know that look.

Following are all of the reasons to avoid the siren calls of those sweets you always felt you held most dear:

Peeps

Tragic tale of Julis Peeper

Tragic tale of Julis Peeper

These are what they might well use to make Pamela Lee’s bosoms bigger. You want a natural breast enhancement that won’t break down with time? Nothing says “I don’t love silicon” like having your plastic surgeon implant Peeps into your mammarian bits. (Just mind the bumpy ears. You should probably bite them off first.) Bright side? If you’re ever stranded on a desert island, it could become Dessert Island if you just dispense a couple of those little yellow bad boys like Pez and have a snack (as well as awe the indigenous people with your marshmallowy confections). (The candy, people! The candy!)

Tip: If you do go the candy route, don’t make candy the entirety of the basket. Pick one favorite thing and limit to a serving. Sugar free candy is also an option, but be careful, since those sugar alcohols, even in small doses, can cause rectal blowout.

Hollow Rabbits

What? What?!

The best thing about hollow rabbits is their little, freakish, beady candy eyes. (You can pick those off and stick them to your eyelids. Not that I do that. Darn you, spoken inner dialog made visible.) There’s just something inherently wrong with taking this much joy in destroying something wearing a bow tie. It’s almost like we’re taking out our carnivorous aggressions on something that looks like a chocolate symphony conductor. Take that, Four Seasons! Verdi promulgator, I eat your face! I say that for every Jeffrey Dahmer, the fixation began with hollow rabbits. So helpless, so friendly. So much a hapless victim to the molars, canines and bicuspids of society, all of whom want to say, “Look! I ate his butt!”

Tip: Fill colored plastic eggs with other things, from money to gift cards to iPod downloads, there are as many ways to fill a basket as your kids have interests. Other fun ideas include mini kites, a yo yo, play dough, accessories for Barbie or small Lego sets.

Jelly beans

Taste the rainbow

These could be could be what gives Kim Kardashian a little extra junk in her trunk. Just pour 3 pounds of Brachs into your pants and you have instant caboose karma. (Sex tapes not included). But seriously. Don’t they look like what rabbits would leave behind in the Magical Rainbow Forest? Chewy, small bits of colorful energy, all in pellets? I’m almost thinking those could be Leprechaun leavins at the end of the happy rainbow in Rainbow Land. Or Rainbow Sprite’s Castle. Couldn’t you see Strawberry Shortcake in her little Berry Rollers looking at Pupcake and Custard, with a Berry-pipe between her lips yelling Who left those? I stepped in some! Now my shoe sole is multicolored and smells like Smuckers!

Tip: Give a smaller basket. Those huge Easter baskets require more filler. Downsize the basket to make the bounty look greater. Better yet, a cute bowl or mug lined with a festive Easter napkin serves the same purpose.

Chocolate Cream Eggs

Aunt Linda?

They might be perfectly good chocolate, but nobody obviously told Cadbury that there are liquid entrails made from corn syrup that shloop out all over your Sunday’s finest. Please. This is a candy? Teenagers have acne with more character and even better special effects. Who, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the only way to make chocolate better was to insert unformed alien placenta inside? How appetizing is that? And it’s become a tradition. Nothing says “Easter’s A-Coming” like foil wrapped unborn otherworldly alliance members. On the bright side, you could take some of the cream filling and shove it in your nostrils, and then pretend to sneeze. It’s a great parlor trick, even if Aunt Myrtle beats you with her purse and then makes you clean the upholstery afterwards.

Tip: Move it! Instead of plopping baskets on the sofa, put your kids’ slow twitch muscles (and brains) to work with a scavenger hunt for their baskets (or prizes). GPS Easter Egg hunts… you may have heard it here first, folks.

Malted Milk Eggs

The magic tree

They’re two of the most perfect foods in the candy Kingdom: malted milk and chocolate–only then they go and call them Robin’s Eggs. Oh come on! Am I supposed to believe these came out of a venerable song bird’s patoot on an early Spring morning? Is there a little magical tree, where, like the Keebler Elves, there live little cartoon birds squeaking out delicious chocolate, melt in your mouth confections? I just can’t find it in my aortic pinata to enthuse about what came out of a bird’s nether regions knowing what they’ve left on my car.

Tip: Make the day about an event over “stuff.” Plan a trip somewhere to spend with your family (or a day for yourself). In the long run, candy and sweets are soon forgotten, but that day you spent in quiet reflection with a good book (or at a theme park) mean more memories.

Marshmallowy Eggs


As fugly as someone who’s had too many plastic surgeries and can no longer move their face due to Botox poisoning and paralysis, we have these brightly-hued candies about the size of a quarter that are *almost* marshmallowy. I remember them from the 70′s when my parents gave me at least half of a bag of those crappy candies as filler for the good stuff. Note to parents: they tasted like psychedelic, Croft superstars Razzle Dazzle Sigmund the Seamonster Witchypoo Butt then, and it tastes like… well, all that now, even 2 decades later. Now a mainstay, don’t use these just because you can fill up the plastic eggs with just a couple. Packing peanuts have more flavor, and you won’t have candies as taut as Joan Rivers (and with as much facial articulation) afterwards.

Tip: If there’s candy at work, bring your own treats. These marscarpone bites are so easy and delicious.

Snickers Anything

Don't be a sucka!

I shake my fist at the Gods who Invented deliciousness with a chocolaty nougat that sticks to the thighs like the Hollywood Paparazzi after Brittney Spears. Darn you! Darn you M&M Mars! I wish I could smack talk your lip smacking perfection with aplomb and make you a part of a ‘melt this and leave it in the public swimming pool’ prank. The truth is, some things are just too delicious, too unspokenly savory to make look like Fluffy left a dumpling on the floor. I leave you in your wrapper, intact, sniffing intently. For now.

Tip: Can’t help yourself? Take one bite with a healthy meal, savor it, and either share the rest with someone else (to keep yourself honest), or toss it out. If you’re really desperate, pour dish soap or shampoo over what tempts you. You don’t need blood sugar wooblies on bunny day. Why? Because you’re somebunny special! (I know. Awwwwww)

Please note: These humorous mockeries are not intended to slam the companies making confections, but are for humorous purposes only. I claim no copyrights for the images I don’t own (all but the top two pictures). Clicking the pictures will take you to the sites these came from.

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Comments

  1. DIYNINJA says:

    So um.. i was thinking i could sneak off and get the kids some easter stuff… not now!

    My daughter is trying to lose a little weight. She is 11 and ive been pondering exactly what i can do .. i never go heavy on candy anyways but im going to have to be inventive!

    Ps your son looks like a card!

  2. Anonymous says:

    try something like the edible arrangements kids baskets (a lot cheaper if you make your own of course) instead of the sugar and corn syrup. and you can always snitch a cantalope flower without messing up your hard work.

  3. There’s lots of sugar-free candy available. It may not be the healthiest thing, but it’s sure a lot better than the sugar stuff (for me, anyways).
    Most of it is chocolate (Russel Stover and Dove make a few yummy varieties), but I’ve heard there are other kinds of candy, too.
    Peeps came out with a sugar-free version, but I haven’t tried it yet, tho I’ve heard it’s not as good. Still, if I really wanted some peeps, that’s what I would get.
    Chocoperfection.com sells high quality sugar free chocolate that’s pretty healthy, but it’s not cheap.
    There’s also lots of recipes online for low carb candies and desserts.

  4. Oh God, you forgot Dove chocolate anything. Yes, I have splurged for the weekend. (I also bought zucchini and more mozzarella to make the famous Cleo pizzas to intersperse with my free ham from the market)
    Have a happy one :)

  5. I HAVE tried the SF Peeps and I love ‘em! They make a nice little treat cuz I toast ‘em over the gas stove and just one is sufficient at a time. They beat the LaNouba SF marshmallows by a mile…they even had red hearts for Valentines Day this year!

  6. cleochatra says:

    diyninja– I was hoping to gross out (minimally) anyone thinking about horking down the sweets.

    I grossed myself out a few times in the process.

    My son is such a goof ball. We’ve all been cracking up at that picture. There is now photographic proof regarding what I go through trying to take his photo.

  7. cleochatra says:

    anonymous– that is an awesome idea! What a great alternative! Will you adopt me?

  8. cleochatra says:

    tara– those are outstanding alternatives to the usual, corn syrupy stuff they’re selling in pastel plastic sacks!

    Thank you! (I never even knew they made low-carb Peeps!)

  9. cleochatra says:

    ew– I get major headaches from sugar. How does your body react when you go without and then have it all of a sudden?

    I’m not going to be revisiting the migraines anytime soon. LOL

    I hope the pizza rocks your socks. Your toppings sound great!

  10. cleochatra says:

    hunbun– Really?! Cool! I might check those out next year.

    The hardest part of the SF candies are the sometimes unintentional gastronomical events which take place as a direct result of eating too many in a short period of time.

    And we only have two bathrooms.

    (I’m still checking it out, though! Thank you)

  11. Cleo, the Dove is the least bothersome of sugar for me because I eat it slowly and enjoy it! I don’t eat it that often and I precede and follow it with high protein meals so the impact is a little less problematic.
    I usually put mozzarella, pepperoni, mushrooms and onions on the pizzas, and I use Ragu traditional Pizza sauce. Haven’t tried the zucchini one yet, I will do that this weekend!

  12. Hummingbird says:

    MMMMMMMMM…BBQ’s Peeps!! I can practically smell their gooey little bodies roasting and taste the hot sugary sweetness of their oozing innards…YUM!! You son is a kick – LOVE the expression – what a clown! I guess kids are good for something after all! ;)
    Happy Easter to you and yours!!
    XO,
    Hummingbird

  13. Dana Seilhan says:

    The jellybean remark reminded me of when they were adding a new color to M&Ms. People were able to call an 800 number and vote on which new color they wanted out of a choice of three or four. I was listening to the morning crew of a radio station one morning while all of this was going on and one of them said they’d like to see blue win, and the other said, “Blue M&Ms? Wouldn’t that be like eating Smurf turds?”

    I told my stepmom about it, in between gusts of laughter, and from then on she could not eat M&Ms without thinking of Smurf excrement. Hahahahaha.

    I still say Jelly Bellies are better, but they need more sugar-free flavors, darn their hides.

  14. How shall I stay away from the chocolate *sigh*

    O.k. I’m trying to see if the pebble is gone and I ‘Blue’ am in…
    Learning blogger, please be patient with me… remember I’m older then I look … he he he

  15. Jamie,

    I wish you and your family a Happy Easter! Thanks for the Easter candy parade. My eyes sampled but my lips won’t touch!

  16. Carol Bardelli says:

    Cute kid!

  17. cleochatra says:

    I hope you made it through Easter unscathed!

    Thanks so very much for your kind comments. You all make me smile!

    I know as my eyes close tonight I’m going to be thinking of BBQ peeps and Smurf turds.

    Thanks a load!

  18. Cleo did you know you are becoming famous on other sites, where people are showing links to this and that part of your blogs? They are trying to imply they know you well, many even calling you “Jamie” . Just try to find a low carber who doesn’t know what an oopsie roll is.

    Also, wanted to say, congraduations on your photos and latest stats. You are amazing.

    And, then, mention not sure if it was “cream filling up your nose” “Aunt Myrtle beating you with her purse” or “unintended gastronomical events” which made me snort, laugh out loud, and have to change undergarments.

    And sugar free PEEPS? Where??????
    Handsome kid buried under those wrappers!

    Kubda (that’s how you spell Linda when your fingers are on the wrong keys)

  19. Oh man Jamie … your son is hilarious! The real question is though – what happened to all that candy after the photo shoot? LOL

    We are well prepared for Easter this year!! Kites, yo-yo’s, stuffed animals, bubbles, skipping ropes, balls, New Clothing Outfits, small pieces of jewelry, fresh cut flowers, …. and on the food horizon – Fresh fruit for dipping in dark chocolate, your lc mascarpone treats made in chocolate molds/shaped into eggs, oodles of your cheesy crackers (all kinds of variations), dips/salsa/guacamole, pepperoni bites, hard boiled eggs cut in half & stuffed and dressed up to look like chicks, lc iced cupcakes, oopsie cake roll, individual packages of nuts, sugar free gum, tons of fresh veggies … Got all the bases covered!! :-))

    Happy Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • I plead the fifth on the candy, Dee… It was a few years back, so I must have lost it. Yeah! That’s the ticket! lol

      You look like you are ready for Freddy! I am coming to your house. :D

  20. Lee Jacintho says:

    Why not just celebrate what the day represents? Wherever did the idea of Easter Baskets originate?

  21. Love it! …and in honor of u’r post, I made a LC/SF/GF Lemon Cheesecake w/ Chocolate Nut Crust that my hubby now refuses to share with family members! lol

    Cute kid, btw… :)

    Happy Easter!

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