Remember Chachi? He always said Wahwahwah. I just wanted to throw that out there for no particular reason.

Snickering with friends

A friend at lowcarbfriends.com has an interesting dilemma.

It’s after the holidays, and you are a cozy sight, wrapped in a shroud of classical music and tasteful slippers, your ascot just so. You are sitting by the fire, a la ‘masterpiece theater’, speaking in classy high-English British accent, smiling on cue, looking coy when camera one pans in, and feeling rather glib and understandably proud, because in your well-adorned library, you are surrounded by success: the success of a clean New Year.

Then it happens.

A Snickers Bar falls out of the book case next to the book labeled “Dial C for Chocolate”. You don’t want to do that, dear friend. Throw that Snickers Bar into those amber flames.

Or, if you’re more inclined, try one of these ten things to do with that found candy bar.*

1. You could smoosh it up and leave it on your annoying neighbor’s doorstep.

2. Toss it in a public urinal.

3. Microwave it in the wrapper and see what happens.

4. Drop it in the Blockbuster movie return slot (still wrapped of course).

5. Slip it in your coat and then when a little kid walks by, fling your coat open and say, “Want to buy some candy, kid?”

6. Put it in your pants and look like Tom Jones.

7. Put it on someone’s seat.

8. Stick a bunch of pencils into it for a makeshift pencil holder.

9. Glue it to the floor of the mall and laugh when people try to pick it up.

10. Leave it outside the door of a Weight Watchers meeting.

*note. Don’t try these at home. These are only hypothetical. Thank you.

-Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Girl.


The TOPS meeting was an amazing success. Everyone was extremely friendly, and the dues were very reasonable! Not-for-profit weight loss support groups are extremely nice, especially if you’re either on a fixed budget, or would rather spend money you would have had to otherwise pay in to other groups asking for more. With your leftover cash from TOPS, you could buy some of those organic vegetables you were eying up in Yummy Mart.

This is how a TOPS meeting generally runs:

1. You arrive at the meeting early for weigh-in. This is demoralize you for the rest of the meeting (kidding!). The weigh-in is really important and sometimes time-consuming, but two wonderful ladies usually take your weight in privacy and mark it into what is known as your ‘bank book’, and on a roster.

2. The meeting begins. The meetings begin with a weight loss pledge, and then move to roll call. At this time, people stand up and proclaim a loss or a gain for the week. Usually, if there is a loss, you’ll state what that was. People clap. If you gained (and this is what I like about TOPS), the overwhelming response is, “We’re glad you’re here,” –and they are.

This bit always cracks me up, though: If you gain weight, the one thing you do is to ‘pay the kitty’. A dime for every fraction of weight you’ve gained goes into a usually gaudy ceramic bank or a tin of some kind. It can add up, especially if you became close friends with a chalupa or 7, so keep some change, and stick to your plan.

3. There are usually announcements, and then the program is presented. The program is usually motivational or discusses weight loss, exercise, diet tools, or the diet itself. This usually lasts for 20-40 minutes, depending on how much folks talk during that time.

The fun stuff: There is friendly competition, contests, trophies, prizes, and, if you lose a lot of weight, you can even qualify as a “Chapter Queen”!

I really like TOPS. Yes, their plan for weight loss is higher-carb, but they don’t care what plan you follow so long as you follow their basic tenet and name: Taking Off Pounds Sensibly (TOPS). How can you beat that?

I LOST my fat on some dumb island

I don’t much care for exercise. On a scale from one to 10, I’d stick it in my pocket and hope for gastric indigestion.

Unfortunately, or not, exercise is an important part of a weight loss plan.

My dad first encountered Atkins while on bed rest due to a broken back through a military training accident. It was in Germany in the early 80’s when a German doctor preached the Gospel of Atkins, and lo, my father first heard word of ketosis.

Six months, and 80 pounds later, he was a convert.

We know Atkins works, even for those who cannot exercise due to injury; but we also know that whenever possible, it is important to exercise. Since the laws of physics state that My butt at rests tends to stay at rest (Newton, Fig), it’s important for me to get off of my colossal keister and walk on my treadmill.

My favorite thing to do (translating into the least painful exercise routine) is to walk on the treadmill while watching Netflix. Right now I’m watching “Lost”, and I’ll tell you what! There’s nothing like immersing yourself in a pretty darned good tootin’ show to get your mind off of the fact you’d rather be not exercising!

No commercials or hassles, and you can even splurge if you feel the need to watch an extra episode. (Don’t worry: I won’t tell anyone.)

So put on that exercise gear and make it a habit. You won’t regret it.

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