Paging Jan J!! and other stuff…

When good mail clerks go bad

Jan. Guess what! That cook book I sent to you is somewhere in the small intestines of Augusta, Georgia.

It’s never a good sign when the USPS sends an envelope containing the empty envelope I sent a week before with a real, live book in it.

What’s left is reminiscent of a hungry mail clerk eating right through the envelope and taking the book you won with it.

While fiber is a good thing and gas prices have impacted even the USPS, I would prefer they didn’t eat the items I try to ship to my readers.

As a result, could you please email me? The USPS can’t take our email away and digest it like so many hopes and dreams in the forms of *sob* cook books!


Flighty Attendant

I am so having one of those evenings.

I’m not doing what I ought to be doing, even though I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing. It just goes with the territory.

So I float with my head in the dandelion fluff of thought and hope I’ll land somewhere meaningful and take root.

Boy-o-boy Disclosure

You’ll notice I haven’t updated my weight in awhile. This is for a reason: I’ve been off-plan for the last month and am now getting back to brass tacks. See? I’m absolutely honest with you, and make no bones about it. I know! Aren’t I special? I can’t be a fibber. I’m too lazy to keep track of lies, and too spacy to keep them straight. I prefer honesty. Don’t you?

I don’t have any regrets about being off-plan, per se; it’s what life does to you sometimes. I’m looking forward to feeling more on top of my game as I enter back into ketosis, with better mental clarity and —wait. Who laughed?

Someone laughed when I said ‘mental clarity’. Was that you?

You’re a tough crowd.

On lacking inspiration and maturity occasionally. Stop laughing.

So, writing for Examiner is going well, and I apptreciate your support! I have the best readers of any columnist online! It’s why I pay you–what? What do you mean I don’t pay you? I DO! Now I think the USPS ate the checks.

Let me know what you’d like to see more of. As I promised, I’m keeping both sites separate so as to not make this simply a mirror site. At the same time, the hardest thing for me is the constantly obsessing over what I think people might want to know next. I go to bed with Examiner in my head and wake up with a headache and a frantic desire to do my best. It’s hard for me not to give something my all. So what happens in the meantime? I neglect this blog and the place I have a great time visiting with you.

I mean, the column is the bomb. I love it and am blessed to be paid to write. And my bosses and friend-writers? I am truly lucky and fortunate! At the same time, I can’t make anyone mad. N0 nipple talk and it should be more serious. I’m like, how can I be serious unless I mention the occasional wardrobe malfunction? I might asplode from the seriousness. Then I’m reminded I’m a professional now, so I eat a piece of beef jerky and think some more about how to be clever and acceptable socially. (And try not to asplode)

I’m not feeling it this week, but I’m trying my best to channel my inner adult. The problem is, it’s making armpit noises in my general direction. I promise I’ll try harder. I suppose.

Cool News about my mad parenting skillz

Oh! did I tell yous guys that I’m now a writer for Parents Canada Magazine? Don’t look so scared!

It is a beautiful, well-written magazine (and I’m a sucker for white space, and this layout has it going on), and I am so honored to be a writer for them now. My article on getting kids ready for school will be coming out in the next month. If you’re in Canada, look for it! If you’re not, then cross the border to buy one. If the border guards try to give you a rectal cavity search, repeat after me, “You can’t do that to me. I’m an American!”

It works every time. Or so I’m told.

And then there’s other places…

I’ve also been picked up by another online media outlet to write current events pieces. You’d think I’d be better about this stuff, seeing as I read the Superficial and other heady, intellectual stuff. Like Perez Hilton. I love my editor and am so lucky to have another writing gig. I usually always have something to say. but… I’m just not feeling it. Aren’t I rotten? I love to write, but I like helping people and giving information without sounding like I’m anal or an authoritah. Giving my opinion in a sea of opinions for money seems lame. It’s not even my best writing! I hate it when I don’t think I’m putting my best out there. And when I do, it’s too funny. Me? Too funny?

Dang my funny-ness Stuff!

I’ll keep trying, but I needed a breather to evaluate who I am and what I really want to say. If I’m not proud of the content, what’s the point? And if it’s not helpful, what’s the motivation?

I mean, it’s a good thing I pay you guys to… what? I’m not paying you guys to read this? OMGoth!

On to the good stuff

I have a lot of recipes coming, a netrition gift card good for their store, and more cook book and book reviews and a few giveaways! That’s a heap of stuff.

Do you miss spaghetti? I have spaghetti for you.

Miss lasagna the way you used to have it? I have that for you too.

Miss ravioli? I have ravioli for you.

Miss me? I’ll be around more. Promise. Even if I’m not paying you to read this stuff.

You guys are the reason I even decided to write for Examiner in the first place; and I haven’t been fabulous about writing here lately. And, to be honest, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed by some things, especially when I start forgetting the point of it; or when the point is lost in page layouts and text colors, research and page links and not being with my homies. Or feeling helpful. Or wondering what I’m doing. What am I doing?

I’m a book-lover looking at a room lined with books and not seeing the possibilities and the promise in a comfortable, deep leather chair by the fire, inhaling the pages of thousands of potential adventures. I’m merely

skimming the indexes and sniffing through tomes for tidbits on an unyielding wooden chair in between moments of clarity and meandering cluelessly through a maze of chaos.

I miss you guys. So I’m going to make the effort to visit you more often before I attempt to work. Or sleep. Or shower. *sniff* Because you’re my pals, my family and my friends.

And because you can’t smell my armpits when I don’t shower, and you don’t ask my why I shave my legs with the pet groomer. Like my neighbors.

Dude, I meant to be more ee cummings and turned all James Joyce.

So! On to the better days ahead as we move towards fall and positive habits! I want to know how you are doing in your weight loss journeys. Drop me a line or a comment and brag on your sweet self. I want to celebrate with you, and you deserve that much for reading the novel I just wrote. Who let me out of the qwerty rehab center anyway?

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  1. I’ll go first. ahem.
    OK, well. First let me say that tonight’s dinner (a breakfast dinner) was turkey sausage, scrambled eggs and the most fan-freekin-tastic pancakes ever using your lc/gf waffle recipe.
    YUM. E!
    Then, I went to the gym and did my 15 min of cardio, then strength training, then another 30 or so minutes of cardio, then some ab work. Can you tell I am determined to get this weight off?
    I wanted to go on Biggest Loser, but hello? You can’t just up and leave a hubby and 5 needy children (and a crop in the field, you picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille) now can you?
    Though I don’t think Mr. Scale shows a loss of weight, I can feel a difference (after 3 weeks of working out at Curves in the morning and then ‘the big gym’ at night) in my body.
    Me: “hey! There’s a muscle under there, where’d the heck that come from? And, ooh, lookie, there’s one here too.”
    Working out with two of my friends and having a blast. Doing low carb and gettin in as much aqua as possible.
    Suffice it to say that I have decided I am finished with this whole “fat” thing. yawn. I am going to see what it feels like to be thinner, shapelier, and healthier.
    Anyhoo, you’ve been one of my main inspirations with your wit and your clever kitchen creations.
    ok, I’ll quit rambling on and on now.

  2. Well your not the only one life happened too, I’ve been off plan about a month and a half. Boy can I tell the difference. Now if it will cool off enough so I can open the car without blisters popping up so I can get to the store…. that’s asking for alot just now. But doing the best I can with what I have… btw I’ve only got a dozen eggs!!! Now who’s gonna asplode? giggle
    I wanted to say congrats for the new writing gig. I hope it all works out great for you, just don’t let it get to you so you can’t sleep and your worrying all the time. So relax, breath deep, remind yourself your Super Jamie and you can do it, and help lots of people in the process. No relax and do what you love, write. In the meanwhile I’ll do what I love and read it all. Is it a deal ( boy I got the easy part this time)

  3. J,

    Set priorities. You can’t be everywhere all the time. I love coming here, but I can’t keep up with your blog… I try, but there is only so much time…

    If you go and get sick trying to do it all, I’ll be shaking my finger at you.

    Whole grain bagels.
    Ice cream.I am not really a low carber, I just play one on television.

    You are not the only peeps who have been off plan.

    The good news is I made Oopsies yesterday and found out I like them better with half cream cheese half mayo in the mix (I make double batches so that’s 3 oz cc and 3 T mayo).

    And I rejoined my old gym.

    I am SO glad to see Cleo/Jamie/Sybil back in action.

  5. Former Donut Junkie says

    Well…Miss Cleo just be glad you got a qwerty and don’t have to pencil all them letters in. Then again there’s nothing like chewing on pencils for good health.

    Congratulations on the new assignments. You must be a juggler AND a writer trying to balance such all the stuff going on right now. Some days seems like trying to stuff an octopus in a bag, just about the time you think you got all them legs in, another comes out.

    We are in the midst of a political campaign if you haven’t noticed, so try to be a little more ‘PC’ [politically correct], especially when talking about being off-plan. The new PC term for that is ‘Self-Induced Plateau’ [SIP] my dear.

    I had been on a SIP for a couple months myself, but have been back on track for three weeks now and am possibly experienced my best ever weight loss and satiety. I am one of those folks who cannot do moderation! I have to have strategically defined boundaries and stay within them ALL the time or I tend to quickly gravitate into a SIP!

    Keep your head on straight and write us every chance you get with updates and howdys.

    I’m The Former Donut Junkie and I approved this message!

  6. Anonymous says


    Cleo’s back!

    ::drools on keyboard, waiting for recipes::

  7. dear former donut junkie:

    i love your pc acronym (SIP) for basically being a very very bad girl. my self-induced plateau is all about nuts nuts nuts. and nut butters. why can’t i stop? i think i’m all or nothing too.

    just one question though – shouldn’t i be able to lose weight (albeit slowly) eating basically induction + plus a few nuts here and there? i mean i’m still not going over 30 or 40 g carbs a day. does anybody else have experience with this, namely the only way to lose any weight is by following strict induction, week after week? jamie, any words of wisdom?

  8. Former Donut Junkie says

    Danyelle…I absolutely love nuts, nut butters and cheese but they all stall my weight loss. I don’t gain with them, I just don’t lose when eating them. And for me, I have my best weight loss success at 20g carbs/day; more puts me in a stall.

    I’m currently doing VLC [Very Low Carb], near zero [ZC], and the weight is coming off nicely, at least it has for the past three weeks. I know that when I reach goal, I can have some nuts, nut butters and cheeses, so I’m not stressing over it at all.

    The thing is, at this level of low-carbing, I have absolutely zero cravings and the satiety factor of fatty meats is unbelievable. I realize ZC or even VLC is not for everyone, but it’s working for me and I plan to stay on it for a while to kick the weight loss up a notch or two.

    Best of luck in your journey to wellness and the low-carb nutritional lifestyle.

    Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie

  9. whatjelly says

    OK Missie,
    what to do whith a jicima? I have one sitting on my counter, and I don’t know what to do with it…

    I also have a spirooli on order, it’s not here yet, but I was going to try and use it for the jicima, and fry it up in something? What though? Bacon grease? Coconut oil? I just don’t know…

    Luv ya bunches! Glad you’re back!!

  10. Erica Gott, aka Erratica says


    I’ve never heard of frying a jicama. It’s got too much water in it! Slice it up and use it like chips in dip, cut it up and put it in a salad, eat it out of hand like an apple (but slice it up first). It’s sweet and almost fruit like, very juicy, but won’t drip down your front (can you tell I eat with my whole body?).

    Cleo/Jamie (love the addition of ‘Sybil’), good to have you back and crazy-blogging. I missed you!

    Erratica (aka Erica)

  11. Ron,

    I’m surprised you answered me after I called you a very bad girl!

    Thanks for your take on VLC and ZC. At least I’m not alone.

    And thanks to Jamie for bringing us all together.


  12. Amy Dungan (aka Sparky's Girl) says

    Hmmm.. I’d tell you all about me and be all braggy and stuff, but then I’d have to erase your memory 😉 Oh wait. I forgot. You already know all my deep dark secrets. In that case, I guess I can be a little bragadocious. I am back eating like I should and have already dropped 4.5 lbs. I even have my blood sugar under control again. Lower than it’s been in years! 🙂 Whoo Hoo!

    (Ignore me.. I’m feeling extra dorky today. It’s like extra crispy, without the breading.)

  13. Wow…..great positioning of the bottom teeth….!!!


    Sorry, teeth are VERY important in first impressions…!!

  14. And the truth shall set you free….

  15. Welcome back, you were missed!! You asked for suggestions for your Examiner column……well, I think one of the best things you wrote was the “feeding a large family on a budget” post (I’m paraphrasing, but hopefully you’ll know which one I mean). I think people really appreciate that kind of post. I don’t even have kids, but I loved it.

  16. cleochatra says

    I’m trying this again since blogger decided it wanted to maintain its servers while I was trying to comment on comments.

  17. I’m just glad you’re back in full force and I can’t wait for the new recipes! Maybe then I can get back on track!

  18. I’m just glad you’re back in full force and I can’t wait for the new recipes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, now maybe I can get back on track!

  19. cleochatra says

    Woohoo! success with a test post. Now I can hit the rest of the comments.

    I hope.

    mg– You are doing so well! I am REALLY proud of you! You def don’t need The Biggest Loser–especially when you rock this lifestyle on your own!

    Go on with your bad self.

  20. cleochatra says

    vikki– your words are so true! Thank you for your rational thinking! I took a break today and felt so well-rested as a result.

    I am hopeful you’re back on the low-carb wagon as we speak!

    No asploding allowed.



  21. cleochatra says

    blue– you are so right! I have taken your advice to heart with Vikki’s. I took a nap and feel much better.

    I stress myself out too much.

    ew! Oh noooooooos! Bagels! But woohoo on getting back in the game and into the gym!

    As for the sybil. Oh come on, man! You know I am a complex woman of many moods, most of them like a fine wine. Or something erudite and charming.

  22. cleochatra says


    Snort. You are hilarious! I think I dimpled a chad on your comment. Or two.

    I agree. In this harrowing time of change, it is important that change occurs changefully.

    Way to go on exiting your SIP status and joining the RIP (Retroactive Impending Progress)

  23. cleochatra says

    Anonymous! Yay! It is so good to see you! I have some very exciting stuff coming up!

    whatjelly! Hey hey hey!I have a column about jicama. Here it is.

  24. cleochatra says

    danyelle– If nuts don;t stall you, go ahead and add them in. That’s the second rung of the Atkins OWL ladder. If you find yourself bloating or stalling, stop and reevaluate whether or not certain nuts affect you due to an intolerance to tree nuts or to mold.

    Nuts are faboo for their high fat content, especially if you stick to pine nuts, macadamias and almonds.

  25. cleochatra says

    Erica! *hip bump to my sistah*

    Amy– you are doing so well! I am SO proud of your progress! Work it hot mama!

    ammy– The little righteous one has braces. You just can’t see the blingage.

    swatkins– ain’t that the truth! Now if only it was more slimming…

  26. cleochatra says

    patty WOOHOO!! I love it, and I love you! Thank you for your great suggestion! I admit I let that go by the wayside. I need to do more of those. In this economy, the more well-armed we are, the better.

  27. Erica Gott, aka Erratica says

    I totally forgot to tell you that I lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks! It was totally because I started bicycling 2.5 miles to school many days a week (but not all of them). Then I didn’t ride or walk much for two weeks and gained 2 pounds back. Waah. I’m still under 200# though, and that is faboo for me!

    For the past 3 days I have abstained from caffeine, all wheat products, refined sugar, and dairy (including cream and cheese, darnit). I feel great and think I might be losing weight. Well, I feel great except for the headache from giving up caffeine, but it’s slowly going away.

    I’m not on induction, per se, just trying to stay low-carb. Apparently LC wasn’t good enough, and VLC is helping me feel better. Along with the exercise, of course!

  28. glad you are back on plan and getting back to clear headed ketosis brained Cleo.

    and woo hoo on yet another writting gig.

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