Top bacon gifts for Christmas

Seen until now, primarily only in government, why not bring a little pork home for the holidays?
Contrary to popular opinion, a bag of pork rinds in the stocking isn’t going to go very far in terms of winning points with the Christmas crowd. Aside from the inability to fit chicarones into Yuletide hosiery comfortably, they tend to get messy when simply poured into the velvet gift of goodness near the hearth.
Try these gifts instead:
1. Mo’s Bacon Candy Bar. While I can’t vouch for its exact carb counts, there is something primal about micing chocolatey goodness with a pork product. While your Jewish friends will slap the yarmulkes off of your meshugena head for offering this delecacy this to them during Hannukah, your mother will probably hug your ribs for thinking of her. $7.50
2. Ultimate Bacon lover’s gift pack. This pack melds together the beauty of all things bacon for less than forty bucks. Complete with everything to flavor your world, the set contains: a jar of Original Bacon Salt, 5 new Limited Edition flavors of Bacon Salt (Cheddar, Jalapeno, Applewood, Maple and Mesquite), and a jar of Baconnaise (Regular or Lite), all in an attractive bacon-themed package. I don’t know about you, but I never leave the house without a little dab of Baconnaise under each armpit and behind my ears. Did we mention that an added bonus, Bacon lip balm is the final accoutrement in this gift set? If the dogs don’t chase you through the neighborhood now, they will, my friends. They will. Lick your lips and run fast. $39.99
3. Maple Bacon Morning Coffee. From the site: Reminiscent of a hearty Saturday morning breakfast around the table, this sweet, savory coffee delights the senses with the smell and taste of home! Maple Bacon Morning has a base that’s full-bodied and complex, and it’s a delicious way to rise when the rooster crows! Jumpin’ Jehosepork! Does it get any better than that? Ground roasted, caffeinated bacon? If Starbucks could market this, we would be a nation thriving for its liquid nutrition. $7.49 for 8 oz.

4. Bacon-Flavored Mints. Quick! We’re late for the meeting with the boss, and a quick breath check shouts for bacon mints. If we can’t carry bacon floss, there’s finally a quick way to ensure a breath that’s great with eggs. Each 2″X 2″ tin delivers a lipsmacking procinepalooza of packed palatability–and for only $1.99, it’s a way to stretch a the greenback on pork belly. No longer does the recession apply to what happens when folks get a whiff of halitosis. Thanks to Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints, every sweet exhalation can smell like morning breath.

5. Bacon Scented Bacon Tuxedo. Sizzle! There’s no fashion like the kind that screams “Whip me, beat me, make me smell like a cheap male Hor-mel!” The talk of any holiday party, people will be drawn to the magnetism of this luscious leisure suit. It’s classic looks coupled with a smoky ambience, the only thing missing is the butter-scented ascot.This timeless fashion is made from a washable latex– just like most spatulas, but without the socially-awkward chafing. Dry clean only. $99.95.

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