Meat Birthday Cake

Yes, you heard right. Put away your Heidi Montag plastic surgery looks of astonishment and behold the glory that is the Three Layered Meat Cake.

If you’re wondering what to give your loved one for their birthday, and you know they’re hugging their Atkins books at night and mumbling about ketoadaptation and making moaning noises, or they’re Paleo Cavegirls who drag their cavemen around by their short hairs, why buy her pajama jeans for her special day? Give her something she’ll really want to dig her well manicured feet into: Meat. And ladies, come on. If it’s his birthday. It’s meat. Need I say more?

Stuff you need you need: A lot of meat. Like lots. You probably didn’t buy enough. And bacon. Repeat. Bacon.

Layers: 

This 8″ three layered cake is: about 2 pounds of grass fed beef (what you buy won’t matter, but grass fed is like running barefoot through Robert Pattinson’s magical unicorn forest hair); mixed with: 2 large eggs, 1 tsp salt, .5 tsp pepper, .5 tsp parsley,  .25 tsp garlic and .5 tsp thyme. I divided the three layers and baked in an 8″ cake round in a 350 degree oven for 25 minutes per layer. Allow each to cool/drain on a drying rack prior to assembling.

(For the mothers out there who don’t take enough Centrum or who want to add vegetables because you’re sick people): To one layer I added about 1/6 of a red onion, a quarter of a green pepper, a handful of fresh spinach and  pulsed in the food processor, and then tossed into the meat for a confetti layer. You can add vegetables: just mince them and hide them in there so I can still look at you without giving you the necessary shade.

Filling:
Fillings? I gotcha fillings. You can pretty much shoot in any direction you want to with the layers. Since this is a Shephard’s Pie, I did the following (channel Cartman’s “I can doo wha-I-wahnnt”): Layer 1, chopped, canned green beans, cheese, bacon. Layer 2, melted cheese, more bacon. You can never go wrong with bacon. In fact, go ahead and roll around in some and make yourself a human bacon yule log of deliciousness.

The Frosting on the Meat Cake…
The top is frosted with cream cheese and mashed cauliflower, topped with grape tomatoes. And remember, everything’s better with bacon…