Boom boom chicka boom boom
chicka wacka chicka wacka boom boom
Did you actually try to read that or visualize that in any way with rhythm? If so, you’re a mess and I adore you. I do. You know it’s difficult to make bad porn background tracks come so alive on the page.
How are you most excellent people today?
This has been a full week for me, but I always look forward to coming here and talking to you. It’s relaxing and it is fun, and because I haven’t seen Kathy Griffin’s show in a week, I haven’t been inclined to put on red wigs and yell “suck it” to a Lean Cuisine in the freezer section of the store. I might do that in the future. When I’m thinner.
Put a bright red wig on me right now, and I’d look like the world’s biggest Ronald McDonald.
I just want to shout out to all the ladies out there who are stalled and dealing with water weight.
What is UP with the water weight? We do everything right. We’re cute, wear the makeup, we give the birth. We shave (occasionally). How are we rewarded? We store fat in our rear ends, and water weight in our cankles. I swear.
Men. Look at ’em (and guys, you know I love you), but these guys make me insane. Did you ever notice a man can weigh 300 pounds on Tuesday, break wind, and on Friday he has a 6 pack of tight, firm abs? It’s like they deflate through their rectums. All we do is sneeze and wet ourselves.
They have a 6-pack. We’re stuck with 2 litres.
Men get fit and slim. One day they’re balloons and the next day it’s like they’ve had skin botox. I have skin hanging in places I didn’t know I owned. I get this stuff stuck in escalators. On windy days, I have kids looking for my tail. I look like the world’s largest MantaRay. Even Bindi Irwin yelled at me for killing her father. I was only snorkelling in the water.
Plans for this weekend were to get together with friends for a game night.
Are there any other people who like board games? I’m telling you, I love them. Yes, I am a geek. Put me in front of a Risk board and I’m there. All over Africa, South America, and don’t mess with me or I’ll take your Kamchatka, too. That’s right. Don’t mess with me. I always like the older, vintage Risk sets. You know why? Because they have a pink army. When there’s a pink army, there’s nothing better than taking Ural and saying, “We girls can do anything, right Barbie?”
Board games in general are also a great way to release tension to people you have to be nice to socially. You can play a board game with a bunch of people and take out frustrations strategically. You can’t do that socially. You can’t yell, “Ihateyouandthinkyouaresuchastuffedgit!” in a polite social setting. Or even at church.
But put someone around a strategic, high brow board game and you can slam dunk someone’s green gingerbread man down to the paper-covered board and yell “TAKE THAT! AND GO TO MOLASSES SWAMP!” That’s right. Because you just pwned Candyland. Now you can do an end zone dance. Spike the dice. Apologize to the toddler you just gave a concussion to who was sitting nearby.
I have more recipes coming to the column, more chatter and updates for you here. As I said, both places remain separate (but equal) and there are more things coming up at Examiner which I’m thinking you’re going to be jazzed about.
Like another cookbook giveaway. That’s right, honeys! I wrote a review for a new cookbook and the publisher scored me extra copies for my fam (that’s you). The giveaway will be at Examiner because that is where the publishers are contacting me (the editors are checking to make sure I’m not going to make you guys do something obscene for a cookbook, like send kinky pictures of rutabagas). How do they know me so well?
So subscribe to the Examiner column! (Yes, I’m now a column ho, and you LOVE it because I do it for you) I love the way those emails come, too. They send a short version of the columns, and you can decide what you want to read. It’s very freeing.
And you know we gotta be free.
I almost broke into a Monkee song. Wow. flashback.
Oh! Speaking of– One more thing! The kindergartener comes to me yesterday and she hands me this piece of paper. It read (and I kid you not):
I want LSD for Christmas. I want a freey wun.”
OK. First of all, since when did they start giving away free LSD?
disclaimer. It was a P not a D. She wants Littlest Pet Shop. Still. I about wet myself. And still have water weight! Ugh!