Happy Easter for a Slimmer Keister

(Pictured: My son, the model. Yes, this is an…er… integral part of the home schooling process…)

Aside from my obvious reversion to being, like, 8, Easter is a difficult holiday for those folks who either like corn syrups, corn syrup solids, chocolate with their con syrups or corn syrup solids, or who likes Peeps (nobody knows what the heck those are).

Easter is filled with colorful confections which promise to melt in your mouth while your hips become cottage cheesy, and your teeth promise to rot out in an equal-to-Halloween sugar orgy of flavor-injected chemicals fit into forms and molds for annual consumption.

Don’t fall prey to the little, plastic Easter baskets and the fake purple grass. The basket and the grass are less fattening, but you wouldn’t eat those, would you? Never mind. I know that look.

Following are all of the reasons to avoid the siren calls of those sweets you always felt you held most dear:

Peeps

These are what they might well use to make Pamela Lee’s bosoms bigger. You want a natural breast enhancement that won’t break down with time? Nothing says “I don’t love silicon” like having your plastic surgeon implant Peeps into your mammarian bits. (Just mind the bumpy ears. You should probably bite them off first.) Bright side? If you’re ever stranded on a desert island, it could become Dessert Island if you just dispense a couple of those little yellow bad boys like Pez and have a snack (as well as awe the indigenous people with your marshmallowy confections). (The candy, people! The candy!)

Tip: If you do go the candy route, don’t make candy the entirety of the basket. Pick one favorite thing and limit to a serving. Sugar free candy is also an option, but be careful, since those sugar alcohols, even in small doses, can cause rectal blowout.

Hollow Rabbits

The best thing about hollow rabbits is their little, freakish, beady candy eyes. (You can pick those off and stick them to your eyelids. Not that I do that. Darn you, spoken inner dialog made visible.) There’s just something inherently wrong with taking this much joy in destroying something wearing a bow tie. It’s almost like we’re taking out our carnivorous aggressions on something that looks like a chocolate symphony conductor. Take that, Four Seasons! Verdi promulgator, I eat your face! I say that for every Jeffrey Dahmer, the fixation began with hollow rabbits. So helpless, so friendly. So much a hapless victim to the molars, canines and bicuspids of society, all of whom want to say, “Look! I ate his butt!”

Tip: Fill colored plastic eggs with other things, from money to gift cards to iPod downloads, there are as many ways to fill a basket as your kids have interests. Other fun ideas include mini kites, a yo yo, play dough, accessories for Barbie or small Lego sets.

Jelly beans

These could be could be what gives Kim Kardashian a little extra junk in her trunk. Just pour 3 pounds of Brachs into your pants and you have instant caboose karma. (Sex tapes not included). But seriously. Don’t they look like what rabbits would leave behind in the Magical Rainbow Forest? Chewy, small bits of colorful energy, all in pellets? I’m almost thinking those could be Leprechaun leavins at the end of the happy rainbow in Rainbow Land. Or Rainbow Sprite’s Castle. Couldn’t you see Strawberry Shortcake in her little Berry Rollers looking at Pupcake and Custard, with a Berry-pipe between her lips yelling Who left those? I stepped in some! Now my shoe sole is multicolored and smells like Smuckers!

Tip: Give a smaller basket. Those huge Easter baskets require more filler. Downsize the basket to make the bounty look greater. Better yet, a cute bowl or mug lined with a festive Easter napkin serves the same purpose.

Chocolate Cream Eggs

They might be perfectly good chocolate, but nobody obviously told Cadbury that there are liquid entrails made from corn syrup that shloop out all over your Sunday’s finest. Please. This is a candy? Teenagers have acne with more character and even better special effects. Who, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the only way to make chocolate better was to insert unformed alien placenta inside? How appetizing is that? And it’s become a tradition. Nothing says “Easter’s A-Coming” like foil wrapped unborn otherworldly alliance members. On the bright side, you could take some of the cream filling and shove it in your nostrils, and then pretend to sneeze. It’s a great parlor trick, even if Aunt Myrtle beats you with her purse and then makes you clean the upholstery afterwards.

Tip: Move it! Instead of plopping baskets on the sofa, put your kids’ slow twitch muscles (and brains) to work with a scavenger hunt for their baskets (or prizes). GPS Easter Egg hunts… you may have heard it here first, folks.

Malted Milk Eggs

They’re two of the most perfect foods in the candy Kingdom: malted milk and chocolate–only then they go and call them Robin’s Eggs. Oh come on! Am I supposed to believe these came out of a venerable song bird’s patoot on an early Spring morning? Is there a little magical tree, where, like the Keebler Elves, there live little cartoon birds squeaking out delicious chocolate, melt in your mouth confections? I just can’t find it in my aortic pinata to enthuse about what came out of a bird’s nether regions knowing what they’ve left on my car.

Tip: Make the day about an event over “stuff.” Plan a trip somewhere to spend with your family (or a day for yourself). In the long run, candy and sweets are soon forgotten, but that day you spent in quiet reflection with a good book (or at a theme park) mean more memories.

Marshmallowy Eggs

As fugly as someone who’s had too many plastic surgeries and can no longer move their face due to Botox poisoning and paralysis, we have these brightly-hued candies about the size of a quarter that are *almost* marshmallowy. I remember them from the 70’s when my parents gave me at least half of a bag of those crappy candies as filler for the good stuff. Note to parents: they tasted like psychedelic, Croft superstars Razzle Dazzle Sigmund the Seamonster Witchypoo Butt then, and it tastes like… well, all that now, even 2 decades later. Now a mainstay, don’t use these just because you can fill up the plastic eggs with just a couple. Packing peanuts have more flavor, and you won’t have candies as taut as Joan Rivers (and with as much facial articulation) afterwards.

Tip: If there’s candy at work, bring your own treats. These marscarpone bites are so easy and delicious.

Snickers Anything

I shake my fist at the Gods who Invented deliciousness with a chocolaty nougat that sticks to the thighs like the Hollywood Paparazzi after Brittney Spears. Darn you! Darn you M&M Mars! I wish I could smack talk your lip smacking perfection with aplomb and make you a part of a ‘melt this and leave it in the public swimming pool’ prank. The truth is, some things are just too delicious, too unspokenly savory to make look like Fluffy left a dumpling on the floor. I leave you in your wrapper, intact, sniffing intently. For now.

Tip: Can’t help yourself? Take one bite with a healthy meal, savor it, and either share the rest with someone else (to keep yourself honest), or toss it out. If you’re really desperate, pour dish soap or shampoo over what tempts you. You don’t need blood sugar wooblies on bunny day. Why? Because you’re somebunny special! (I know. Awwwwww)

Please note: These humorous mockeries are not intended to slam the companies making confections, but are for humorous purposes only. I claim no copyrights for the images I don’t own (all but the top two pictures). Clicking the pictures will take you to the sites these came from.