My Funny Valentine. Staying the course in the face of candy hearts

I love you little pizza made of win

Valentine’s Day has long been the day of snacking, noshing, more snacking and handfuls of chewy pink, white and red food, followed by guilt.

It’s like a barbecue at my Jewish Dad’s house when the steak wasn’t cooked all the way.

Don’t let Valentine’s Day with its little cupids and hearts aiming for your hips have its way with you.

This year, for the first time ever, instead of giving candy to each other, I took the initiative and purchased a small, nonfood gift for each person in my family.

These can be as simple as:

• A gag gift
• A cute, inexpensive Valentine’s Day pin from WalMart or Target
• The book your teen has had his eye on
• A coupon book you produce yourself, promising things from video game family play to a free trip anywhere in the city without complaint.
• A trip to the movies (armed with sunflower seeds of course, for snacking)
• A manicure/pedicure a la Mom with a new nail polish color
• A Birthday or Christmas gift you held back (or lost) that was found again
• A $5 gift card to their favorite card shop or bookstore

I’m avoiding giving even the sugar free treats, since those are either expensive as poop, taste like poop, or make you poop.

Xylitol gum by companies like Glee are a nice addition if you really want to give something chewable, but I don’t recall the last time I handed someone a packet of gum as a token of my undying affection.

Now all this isn’t to say you can’t take some creative license on that day. You could:

• Put colorful balloons outside of your house to welcome everyone home after a long day
• Make mini pizzas using a small heart-shaped cookie cutter to form cool pepperoni shapes
• Make pink smoothies for breakfast or a pink frappe as a cool drink
• Make pink low carb cream puffs for dessert (use vanilla frosting and color that pink, not the roll)
• Watch “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown”
• Make these cute gelatin wigglers from raspberry tea

See where I’m going with this?

Now let’s have a quiz.

1. Say someone who loves you very much brings you a big box of chocolates. You:
a) Scream, “I’m on a diet you cocoa sucking stinkweed!”
b) Sob in the corner, cradling the box in your arms while you rock back and forth
c) Kiss the well meaning person, tell them the gift is appreciated, and quietly donate the box to a food bank
d) Quote Forrest Gump

2. Let’s say someone brings you a cupcake and wants to watch you eat it. You:
a) Scream, “I’m on a diet you nibble narfing goatmonger!”
b) Sob in your cubicle, cradling the cupcake in your arms while you rock back and forth
c) Thank the well meaning person and tell them it smells and looks delicious, and apologize graciously because you can’t have wheat or sugar. Your Dr. told you so.
d) Turn your back and make chewing noises as you drop the cupcake down your cleavage.

3. Finally, someone takes you to a nice restaurant for Valentine’s Day. You:
a) Scream, “I’m on a diet you big fish hatching rectal orifice!”
b) Sob at the table, cradling the menu in your arms while you rock back and forth.
c) Go to the restaurant’s website prior to your date to scout out all of the healthy options, making necessary calls to the restaurant for confirmation when in doubt.
d)  Drop his fork so that when he bends to pick it up, you can quickly drop your plate of food down into your purse. Make sure to dab your lips with a napkin daintily if your plate displayed the full pasta course.

How did we do? Add up your points as follows:
1. a. 2, b. 1, c. 1,342, d. 5
2. a. 2, b. 1, c. 3,127, d. 5
3. a. 21, b. 1, c. 48, d. 5
4. a. 2, b. 1, c. 632.4, d. 5

Did anyone else need a calculator? The answer had better be yes.

Remember: If Cupid arrives on dainty feet of fluffy happiness, tosses bon bons in the air and takes aim with his bow, ram it in his ear and tell the little sucker to go peddle pink somewhere else. You’re working here.