My New Year's resolutions

Neighbor’s high tech mower Wikipedia
Resolutions are for people who either actually do what they say they’ll do (overachievers) or are the *wink* *wink* *nod* unspoken ‘see you next year… with the same resolution’. I’m the third kind. I make the kind of promises I tend to deliver on, but they’re usually in the form of resignation. Like the time I gave gravity the finger and went without a bra for a week. Take that, kneecaps!

I submit my own goals for this 2011:

I will not fall off of the porch anymore. Yes, neighbor across the street who calls me “Amy” (my name is Jamie), you happened to be outside each of the three or so times you saw me fall off of my front porch in a graphic display of human klutziness.  Before you call for an intervention, no, I don’t generally fall off of a flat concrete pad, lay on the ground and then quickly pose like I’m looking for something. On my back. I have balance issues. And while you might think I’ve fallen off of my front porch too much, I happen to think you’re outside too often mowing your lawn with your little push mower and watching your neighbors fall off of things. Get a hobby.

more after the jump

I’m giving up on vanity. Well, my van. While often I took the time to clean the vomit from the interior of what was the most new vehicles I have ever owned, I’m done. When my teen son rips your plastic door handles off (again) I am going to make people enter through the hatchback rather than going through the effort to reach around and open up the doors from the inside. The windshield can be as cracked as it wants to–now that I’ve had to have it replaced. That candy wrapper coated flooring that has sprung up under my feet will just protect the actual carpeting from the sticky substances I notice cropping up after the teen has borrowed it. And now the hubcap is gone because same teen over-accelerated and crashed it into a sidewalk during the first snow of the year. On the plus side, your fan belt squeaks when I start up the car for like 15 seconds; it’s like waving to the push mower neighbor after I’ve fallen off of the porch.

I’m going to be a great neighbor. Hey you. Neighbor down the street. The retired lawyer who still quotes 1962 neighborhood tenets and calls the city on every one else because you have nothing better to do. You who made our only Latino neighbors feel unwelcome by reporting him to the city because he happens to own a business and his employees parked in front of his house… and because he didn’t get a permit for his outbuilding. He put his house up for sale because of you. You should know that because of you we rallied the neighbors and told the guy to stay. Unlike annoying, middle class snootie patooties like you, my neighbors can smack pinatas without taking out people nearby in their dong and bonkers with the stick. And there’s candy. If anyone hit you, you’d drop your dentures and smell like regret and bad plaid hats. The point (and amazing karmic retribution) is, your dog walked into my house a couple of weeks ago when my front door was open. He had no tags. No leash. Your dog ate my dog’s food and growled at my dog. My husband, giggling manically and rubbing his fingers while rocking back and forth from the PTSD you’ve caused all of us, half shrieked, CALL THE CITY! HEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE! I didn’t.Why? Because now I own your saggy Dockers butt. I intend to remind you of this the next time you leave an anonymous note on my car telling me my grass is an inch too high. That or I’ll wire my car with low voltage current electricity so that the next time you decide to gingerly lift my wiper at 4 am with your Inspector Gadget routine, you get the message in the form of a zap for trespassing. You deserve it, minimally, for naming a perfectly good Pomeranian Roy.

4. I’ll lose weight. How much, who knows. But I’ll do it. That way when I laugh at the a-hole being zapped on my driveway by my uggavan with his anonymous note scrunched in his claw, I’ll be svelte. And the neighbor across the street can watch me fall off of the porch in more fashionable clothing choices.

What are your resolutions for this year? Discuss!