My husband just called me on the phone a few minutes ago to say that I’ve been invited to partake in pizza tonight at work with a couple of other spousal units and their husbands. (You ever notice that late work nights minus overtime can be spun into working dinners when people are invited in for food? I think my Jewish father came up with the scenario. “Feed their wives and they will hurt you ever slightly less for your late hours.”)
I asked my husband if I could bring my own cauliflower crust recipe to the pizza feast. He sighed, because he claims he remembered the oopsie roll burger incident in the Red Robin.
I have no such recollected moment of such an event as having taken place in that said restaurant particularly as described.
That said, I’m taking one of the cauliflower ones I’ll have made, and I am going to sit and lavishly eat it. In front of everyone. Slowly. And with extreme prejudice. Like in those slow-motion ads, only I’ll only be humming the music in my head, and not out loud like last time.
And then I’m going to look at people while they have their pizza on their plates, smiling and visiting politely over dinner.
And I’m going to say very softly while I’m looking at my pizza, “My pizza is better than your pizza.”
And then I’ll look at someone else and say, “Mine’s better than yours,” and I’ll take a bite and chew slowly.
And I’m going to take another bite and smile reallly big like this. With eyes squinted in ecstasy, I’m going to look at someone else and mouth, “Mine… better… yours…” Then point to my pizza. Then point to their pizza. Then to mine. Then to theirs. Mine. Theirs. Miiiine… better.
I’ll look over to the person to the right of me. I’ll smile in an inviting and socially approachable way, and then motion towards them with a hand brandishing a Virgin piece of pizza. I’ll say, “Would you like a bite of this? It is really good.”
And I’ll lean over like I’m going to put that piece right in their mouth, all sweet and warm.
And then, as his or her mouth parts in anticipation, I’ll slowly crane the pizza in a large, slow circle back to me and say, “But ohhhh no. This is mah pizza.” And then I’ll take a bite and chew it very slowly in front of that person. “Mahhhh pizza!”
Do you think this could create some awkward social moments?
It’s not like I make bionic noises when I move the pizza in slow motion. Anymore.